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L O V E changes

February 14, 2018 a good way. It just changed. 

I remember when my husband and me were just Jascha and Kerstin, there was no little rambutan waking us up at 3 am. It was just us. don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I'm just almost six months a mom but I love to remember the time when it was just us. 

Jascha a little bit thinner, me, much more thinner and sexier. And I remember there was always a bed or something where we lay down on and I loved to smell him. He always wanted to cuddle and me, I wanted to talk about the future, about us and solve problems and to kiss him. I always petty people when they don't talk in the restaurant. Jascha and me, we talked about everything. 


Now, we do not talk not so much anymore. 


I see in his eyes how tired he is. And he sees how tired I am. Again, don't get it wrong, we love our child but we love also our careers and ourselves. And sometimes you're just tired of everything. 


Sometimes when she cries and he is in the middle of telling me something, I promise myself to ask him later, to remember my thoughts in this moment and questions which I wanted to tell him, later. But later is forgotten.


If we are talking about dreams and wishes, than it is about washing machine and feeding her.


But his  breast is also good for my tears. When everything is too much for me. When I feel overwhelmed and I think I'm not good enough for her and for the world, than, then his breast is there...for me, my soul and my tears. 


Then we watch in bed netflix or he tells me in short sentences about his day or we listen for few minutes an audiobook. 


Love changed. But in a good way. He gave me one day before valentine's day flowers because today he is in berlin for a tomorrows conference. He calmes me down and shows me that not every shade is grey (and black)...he shows me light. He tells me that we can do everything great together and that I am still the sexiest woman on earth for him, including all the stretch marks from my pregnancy. 


And to know that we can build and do everything together warms my heart. We've been through hell and found the way out, together. We lost a life and we gave a new child a new life. We are still the same but we grew together. We still have plans for the future but sometimes you don't have to talk about it all the time. Silence became a good friend and has its own beauty. 


Happy Valentine's Day.


Your friend, wife, lover and mother 


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