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Restless and new thoughts

November 13, 2018



What do you do? 


I am restless the last few days. I am keep on thinking and rethinking. Do you know that kind of feeling and thousands of questions are popping out of your head and all of these thought want to be rethought and want to be spoken out? 


When I sleep, my eyes are closed but my mind is restless. 


It's frustrating. I just stop being able to sleep, concentrate or enjoy time. 


I know why I'm restless these days.


Do you know that feeling that you always wished for something and worked and did a lot of efforts to get this thing? 


For me it was always to become a director for films and commercials. 


So now after one year of parenting, my little rambutan is in kindergarten and I am able to do some commercials as an assistant director. Just to get in back in track again. First I enjoyed it but the second shoot I got kinda bored and annoyed of the drama on set and all the ego stuff on each person. 


I was surprised. All these years in the film business and now I got annoyed!!! Weired. 


So I thought, ok, give it one more try. And it was the same. I was even happy to leave as soon as I can the set. 


And then I realized big dream was not my dream anymore. 


I was ok and shocked, then ok again and then I question myself if something is wrong with me. 


All these years and now...nothing. No regrets, no missing the film. Wow. Still wondering about myself.


I'm still on this journey, so I'm not sure if this is a temporary situation will be set or if I will change my mind. 


But what I know, something changed. That makes me restless. 





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